brain traffic

2011-02-10T15:30:00.001-08:00

Carousel

2009-03-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been to the fair? You know how, at least here, the fair is kind of sketchy looking. You walk around a see all the rides that have been assembled and disassembled hundreds of times. You see the food stands that are about as clean as a stadium bathroom. Even though I have been and enjoyed myself dozens of times; looking back, it was a pretty nasty place. But I always thought the carousel was awesome. It wasn't the most fun thing in the park to ride or the most exciting, but as a kid it offered something to me that was appealing.

I have loved horses since the first time seeing The Man From Snowy River when I was young. I remember pretending I was Jim Craig, popping my bull whip and humming the theme song while I played. Now, I know the carousel is nothing like being on a real horse and and chasing wild brumbies through the mountains, but I would pretend to. And to be honest, the pretending didn't last long because, no matter how hard I tried, those plastic horses were never going to break loose and take off through the fair grounds.

Isn't that kind of like us as adults. There are things we dream of doing, but we opt for the carousels life offers us instead. When I was in college I had a possible opportunity to work in New Mexico and in the Keys. Instead of doing it, I let things here at home talk me out of going. I kick myself all the time for not taking those chances and experiencing that. I could have actually lived out the dream I had as a kid.

Its kind of like that in our faith too. God offers us abundant life. He tells us to seek Him and his kingdom and He will bless us. He says seek, knock and ask. He tells us to abide in Him and be blessed. He tells us that we can do all things through Him. God offers us the chance to charge down that stage after wild brumbies, or whatever dream you might have had once. It may not be literally on horseback but it can be every bit as exciting.

Bye For Now

2009-03-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

Granny,
I have never written you a letter before. You have always been a phone call away. But, now you are where I can't call and talk to you, or bring something by the house for you. I have so many wonderful memories and not even one bad one. You basically raised me until I started kindergarten, and even after I would play sick so I could come and stay with you. I will never forget all the cornbread, chocolate milk, cheese and pickles you always had ready for me at all times. I will never forget you letting me go outside and crank that huge Cadillac so it could warm up. I will never forget you letting me beat the crap out of that old piece of junk bean bag. I will never forget you running down the driveway when I tried to drive granddaddy's car. I will never forget the time I broke my arm in your neighbors yard and you coming to take care of me. I will never forget you fixing me glasses of water while I cut the grass. I will never forget you scratching my back until I fell asleep. I will never forget the 29 years you put up with me.

Now you are gone. But I am not as sad as I thought I would be. I think it bothered me more to watch you struggle and fight the devils attack on your body. Don't get me wrong, I miss you a whole lot, but I will see you again someday. I hope things are everything you expected them to be in heaven. The streets of gold, the singing, the pearly gates, I hope they are more amazing than you imagined. I just wish I had an ounce of your faith. I wish we all did.

Don't worry about grandaddy. We will watch after him. He will get his health back and start driving again. We will keep him busy. Dad and Steve are OK too, so are mom, Mandi, and Trish. We will all be OK. I am sorry you had to go through all of that. I am sorry you had to get sick and not be able to do the things you were used to doing.

I love you and I will miss you, but I will see you again someday. Tell everybody I said hi and tell Jesus I am trying.

Love always,
Nathan

Who will fall?

2009-03-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

I was reading in an on-line devotional today about falling away from the Lord. One of the biggest struggles I have is spending serious time with God on a daily basis. The bible says in Timothy that in the last days people will turn from the Lord and what they believe, and they will follow the teachings of demons. To me that says that the devil will use whatever means necessary to attract and confuse even believers to drag them away from the Father. That concerns me and I hope it concerns everyone who reads it.

I have a friend, who I will not name, who has turned from the faith. This friend was once a very serious Christian, one that played a large part in a lot of peoples lives. I had lost track of this person for a while then he/she turned up out of nowhere. I found out that my friend was not a believer anymore. The world and all of its confusion dragged this friend down and away from God.

Now if the devil can drag this person away from God, he can do it to anyone. This is the scary part to me. My friend was strong in the faith at one time. Daily quiet times and prayer were more than common. Yet, the devil won my friend over.

I read last night in John that if we abide in Him he will abide in us. If we do not, we won't bear fruit and will be discarded like dead branches and burned in the fire. If we do abide in Him, we will be pruned to produce more fruit. To abide in the Lord we HAVE to spend time with Him.

Its amazing to me though, how the devil works. When I start praying and reading, the devil comes full head with things to beat me with. I try to resist for a while but I lose. I don't allow God to fight for me like he promises he will. Its at this point when the things of the world start to look appealing. I use to find comfort in people. People are weak. I should know that if I am weak without God, then the people I try to find comfort in will be weak too. I also have tried to go back to my old ways. No church, no prayer, just do whatever I want to do. All of these things are very short lived in satisfying me.

So, that can only mean one thing. I have to find comfort and peace in God. The sad part is, I have wasted so much time and resources in the time it has taken to realize this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNU-K5NLPSw

Numb

2009-02-12T05:10:00.000-08:00

I've got something on my mind this morning. Last night at church, we talked about the condition of the world today in comparison to biblical times. We discussed which sins were still an issue, which are just today, and which were just back then. The list of sin was your normal list; drinking, sex, worshiping idols, things like that. There were a few less severe ones mentioned but those were the basic few. But what is "serious" sin?

The problem I have is this. We like to point out serious sin. We think, just because we don't get drunk, have sex, or murder, that we are living an ok life and Jesus should be proud of us. How wrong is that? I am definitely not pointing my finger at anyone. I fall short everyday. But what we have to realize is that we can't point at other peoples' sin if we don't see our own first.

I watched a movie the other day that I am sure was not bringing glory to God. I talked bad about a group of people and I know God didn't like that. Every person who breathes will at one time or another mess up and sin. Just because it is not a sin that we as humans consider bad doesn't mean that God dislikes it any less. The most kind and generous person sins. The worst sinner alive also deserves redemption. Those people have to depend on us to see God. We are the ones who spread the Gospel of Jesus. We are the ones who are supposed to love all people like Jesus loved us. But instead we avoid people with questionable life styles and sinful habits. We talk bad about them and tell everyone they don't need to have anything to do with these kinds of people.

I am not perfect but I do love God. I hate it when I mess up. I want to be close to Him so I will mess up less and less. I will be the first to admit how much work I have to do to get closer to the life God intends for us. I am not saying that we need to compromise what we believe and put ourselves in the position to sin by hanging out with a rough crowd. But we cannot just shun these people because God loves them too. And we definitely can't assume that we are any better than them, we are just fortunate to already have Jesus. Now we have to share Him with them.

For the Record

2009-02-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

I didn't start blogging to get on here and whine about every little thing that goes on. I actually just want to try my hand at writing. I have always been kind of creative. I draw some, take pictures (you can hire me to take pictures too!!!), play music and sing. I have just always been in a real bad habit of thinking something that might be cool or helpful and then immediately forgetting all about it.

I got a DVD for Christmas about Mark Tremonti. He is a phenomenal guitarist and song writer for Alter Bridge. He has hundreds of thousands of dollars in equipment, but his most important is a little, cheep, tape recorder. He records every personal practise session because he will forget a new lick if he doesn't. That's kind of like this blog. I think about stuff and just write it down. Maybe to get a response of advice or to help someone with a similar situation.

I do like talking about God. He is an amazing topic to write and think on. There is no other subject more talked about and argued about than God. Even if people don't agree with me or anyone else who blogs, god can use that to stir a curiosity to the point of acceptance or change. I am no Bible scholar. I read it, not enough, but I do read it. But I like writing about Him. I read a few different devotionals from time to time and think about how cool it would be to get in that good of a relationship with God, to where I can start to write uplifting pieces for people to read.

That's why I don't want to get on here and belly ache to much. Sometimes I need to. Sometimes its necessary. But most of the time, I want to be positive. I want to get back to the old Nathan who tried to always make people laugh and forget about the crappy hand the real world can deal them. My first blog today, that was belly aching. I am alive. I have amazing family and great friends. I have a great church family who will pray for anybody who is going through anything. Bad days suck and seem to be more often than good, but the bad days make the good ones that much better.

Change

2009-02-02T07:34:00.000-08:00

I applied for a job last Friday. I know its probably not the best time to be job hunting, but I did it anyway. I have been an employee at Northport Electrical Supply since I was 14 years old. I got my first ever, real paycheck Christmas break 1994. After that, I spent a lot of my summers and school breaks at work. Now I am not saying all day, everyday during the summer, but a lot. I have never known another job. I was employed by my church for a little while but I have never left Northport Elec. I passed up opportunities to do some cool stuff along the way. I missed out on possibly working in the Florida keys, maybe a chance at Philmont, New Mexico, and camp horn. I was asked to work at my church day camp a couple of summers in a row, and turned them down.

It was all about money. "You won't make any money there", "They're not going to pay you as much as we are." A lot of it was my fault. As soon as I graduated from high school, I began to acquire debt. I bought a truck. Then later I got small loans to fix up the trucks or buy stuff I didn't have the money for. To this day I have a bad habit of doing that. I know its bad to get in debt, but I did it anyway. But, I have never known anything else. I have interviewed for maybe three jobs since I graduated college. I didn't want to do shift work, so I didn't go to Mercedes. I didn't have enough experience so I didn't sell for WVUA. The other was a scam, work from home kind of thing. Nothing has ever changed.

My sister and I are very different in this area. Where I am one to get comfortable and just do whatever, she won't settle for that. I hold her in high regard for this. I am not saying she has jumped from job to job, that is not it at all. She branched out. She didn't take the easy road. She didn't let anybody talk her out of doing what she wanted to do. She has spent a summer in Thailand, live in Panama City a couple of summers, she has been to some cool places just because she wanted to. What I am afraid of is not being jobless or homeless, my parents will never let that happen and neither will I. I am afraid of regretting most of life. I don't want to be 65, looking back on my life saying I wish I had done this or that.

So I guess pray for me. I know a lot of people already do and have been for a long time. I haven't ruled out what God wants me to do, though sometimes it seems like I have. I know I have to seek Him first and then do what He says. I guess I have just grown weary of waiting. That sounds bad and I have confessed and asked for help already, but its hard. I would love for God to come and sit with me for a while. I would love for Him to tell me what He has liked and disliked about my choices and my life. But, I know He isn't going to do that. Or maybe He is trying but I am avoiding it. Maybe I am scared of what he wants from me. Or maybe I am scared to just do what he wants because it will pluck me out of what is already comfortable.

Words

2009-01-28T06:52:00.000-08:00

I have a problem. Its not a bad problem but a problem none-the-less. I can't read. I mean, I can read, I learned how a long time ago, but I can't read. I can't focus on what I am reading. It doesn't matter if it is dead quiet or I am on a bus full of noise, I can't focus. Its bad too. Its not just books. I get distracted reading the labels on a can of soup or reading the bulletin at church. A magazine article is a task that takes twice as long as it should and a book might as well be a triathlon.

To make things worse, the books I am interested in trying to read, are so wordy I can't keep up. Even my sister's blogs lose me. C.S. Lewis is a bountiful feast of words (you like that don't you) I don't understand. The use of all of these BIG words blows my mind. The bible is one of the hardest ones, especially the King James version. I can read The Message version pretty well but ol' Jimmy might as well be in Hebrew.

It makes me feel dumb sometimes. I know I'm not, but I wish it was easier for me to read. Its like, for some, trying to sleep with a dripping faucet or ticking clocks. There have been times when I have read the same sentence four or five times in a row before I actually knew what it said.

I don't want to take any drugs for it, the last drugs I took were for depression and I felt like crap everyday. I just want to read and enjoy reading. I want to be able to sit down with the bible and actually soak up everything I am reading. I guess if I had to take some kind of pill I would, but I don't really want to.

I can write, however. When I sit down at my computer, I can write for days. If I have a topic I could write for a while. But to me, writing is like talking, you just need something to talk about to get you started.

Be still...........

2009-01-21T10:33:00.000-08:00

How strong are you? Physically, mentally, emotionally, how strong are you? I used to think I was strong. Not necessarily physically strong, but I thought I was a strong person. I thought I had a strong will and mind. I thought I was strong in what I believed. I was wrong. Its easy to be strong when there is nothing pushing against you. No weight or tests, no work or hurt, nothing to contest us. But when our minds and bodies are tested, or when our hearts are tested, are we strong?

As Christians, we know from God's word, that we will be tested. Sometimes those tests are small and sometimes they will be gigantic, but regardless of the size of the test, what does God say to do? Be Still. "Be still and know that I am God." "Be still and I will fight for you." God doesn't tell us to fight by ourselves. He doesn't offer a reward for the strongest ones who fought their own battles. He simply tells us to be still and let Him be God.

That is one of the hardest thing for me to do. I want things done or fixed right now. I don't want to wait to get better, I want to be better now. I couldn't tell you how many times I have told God that I can't take it anymore. I don't know how many more times I have tried to change myself or fix my problems alone because I was tired of waiting on God.

Its funny to read the daily devotionals sometimes. The one I read today was talking about trials. It was talking about letting go and trusting that God will make all thing good in the end. Sometimes I want to take the guy (or girl) who wrote it and choke him. "Just call upon the Lord and everything will be better." This coming from a guy with a wife and kids, a great job, and no worries. He has nice suits, he is in good health and people really love him. It makes it kind of hard for the readers who are suffering from all kinds of problems to agree with him.

Then there are those people who have overcome. The people who remain faithful to God and wait on his time. Sometimes things work out for them, sometimes it never does, but they remain faithful. They were still. They let God fight for them. Their lives are a testimony to all who have struggled with addiction or loss or mental battles. Their very lives reflect the message that the guy with no problems was trying to get across. Be still, you don't have to know a certain person's background to know that what he is saying is true. He got all of his information from God through the Bible. God has suffered loss. God has seen and experienced everything you and I could ever go through. You can't tell me that every time one of God's children suffers that it doesn't break His heart, not just because we are in pain but because we won't let him help.

Be still and know...........

Angels' voices

2009-01-20T10:28:00.000-08:00

What does an angel singing sound like? For some of you sappier people, it might be the sound of your spouse on the phone or down the hall. For others it might be the sound of a huge choir of expertly trained singers, harmonizing together. Whatever you may or may not think, I have heard it. No, I did not die for a moment and have an out of body experience or be visited in a dream, but I really felt like I was in heaven when I heard it.

Sunday night, our guitar trio (Eric Ott, Andy Smelley and myself) were given the opportunity to lead worship at my church on the same night that Christian Shmidt preached. For those who don't know, Christian is a college guy who has responded to the call to preach and at the same time, been given the task of fighting cancer. It was an honor and blessing to play that night. That night was different than any other night. We played and it went fine and Christian preached and did a really great job, but the thing that got me the most was hearing the angel sing.

I can't even remember the hymn, but I remember that voice. She wasn't loud, she wasn't extra talented, but it got my attention so, that I closed my eyes and just listened to her. It was the sweetest, most beautiful thing I have heard in a long time. She may never be more than a church choir member, but that night she was the only one in the room. I teared up just listening to her. I turned around to sneak a peak at this little girl with rosy cheeks and a big bow in her hair and I couldn't do anything but smile. She was singing to her Lord. She never missed a word, her eyes were wide open and reading the words on the screen. Listening to her sing that night was worth being there, it made me forget about anything that was on my mind at that given moment.

2009-01-15T13:27:00.000-08:00

So I have ventured into some classic literature. Not Mark Twain or Charles Dickens, but Martin Luther. I have been reading his commentaries on the book of Galatians the last couple of days because I am interested in Grace. I don't understand grace. I mean, I know what it is and that it is the only way through Faith to be saved, but I don't understand it totally.

When we are born we are immediately sinners. We are born into a world that disregards truth and put emphasis on self. We are born into a world that seeks approval based on who we are and what we have rather than who God made us to be. See, I have struggled for a long time trying to make myself happy again. I was very happy before I was a Christian because I could do what I wanted to(within reason of law) and didn't really have to answer for it. But, when I got saved I thought I was truly going to be happy. The grass would be greener, the sky bluer, I would leap out of bed every morning ready to start a new day. That's not how it happened. Oh, it was like that at first, but shortly thereafter, it ended.

That's where my confusion came in. I was saved, why were bad things happening to me? Then the devil started picking apart my life and using old "junk" to tear me down. I started to doubt my salvation because I didn't deserve it. I prayed for forgiveness over the same old sin, over and over. This hasn't been that long ago. It still bothers me today.

My sister sent me an email a couple of days ago. The subject was"Good message." It was the pastor at The Church at Brookhills speaking on freed by grace. I have had no idea what it means to be free. I know that Christ died to set the world free from sin. I know that Christ had died for me. But I have had the hardest time letting go, and letting God take care of me. I know the bible says that He is in control of everything. But I have struggled letting Him take control.

The pastor made a reference to Luther's commentaries on Galatians, where Paul is speaking of grace. Where Paul blesses the Galatians with Grace and Peace and tells them that Christ died for them to be set free from those sins. Luther says, "How may we obtain remission of our sins? Paul answers: "The man who is named Jesus Christ and the Son of God gave himself for our sins." The heavy artillery of these words explodes papacy, works, merits, superstitions. For if our sins could be removed by our own efforts, what need was there for the Son of God to be given for them? Since Christ was given for our sins it stands to reason that they cannot be put away by our own efforts."

So by the Grace of Jesus, we are forgiven our sins upon acceptance of Him. This is something I am going to have to spend a lot of time on. For one that I will accept His forgiveness and my own, and two, that I will be truly FREE.

WHERE IT FALLS

2009-01-07T12:41:00.000-08:00

I am trying to get in a better habbit of reading the Bible. I looked at christianity.com today, logged on and saw where I had started reading almost a year ago. The web site has the "read the bible in a year" option. I was pretty devoted for a little while, then I noticed how big of a gap there was between the time I had logged in and read.
So here I am, one year later, and trying to get started again. I was reading in Luke chapter 8. Thats the chapter where Mary magdelene follows Jesus with the 12 and Jesus gives the parable of the sown seeds. I got to thinking about which seed best represented me. Was I the seed on the side of the road that never took root at all? Was I the seed on the rocky soil who took quick but fizzled out even quicker? Was I the seed that fell in the thorns that got choked out by what I was surrounded by? We always want to be the seed in the good soil that grows strong and with good roots, but was I that one?
Its true what people say about the things you get involved in. The places you go, who you go with and what you do when you are there can and will have a lasting effect on you. I think I was the seed in the thorns. I say that because shortly after my salvation experience, trials, doubts and fears cluttered my heart and mind. I fought for a while, I prayed every day, spent my lunch hours in the prayer room at my church, but eventually I gave up. I quit praying, I almost quit believing. I questioned God and doubted God. I got mad at myself and at the devil because no matter how many doubts I had with God, I blamed everything on satan. I had given up. for a long time I just moped through life. I was not living the way I should have, I had no drive or ambition, I wanted to just quit.
I don't say all of that to get people to feel sorry for me. That time is over. I did that already, and it didn't do me any good. I say that because I know where I was. I know where I am. And I know where I want to be. Realizing that I was a seed among thorns, was the first step. Now I have to let Jesus remove the thorns. That is hard to do. Some of those thorns might be friends or hobbies, or addictions. My plans may change completely.
Somebody very important to me told me a long time ago that God had plans for my life. I have often wondered since then if those plans included me in the ministry, mission field, or if I was just supposed to be ready for whatever. I would love for God to wrap a righteous baseball bat around my head and say, "THIS IS IT". Its not the end of the world that my seeds fell in the thorns, just as long as I let Jesus work and remove the thorns.

what is beautiful?

2009-01-05T08:03:00.000-08:00

When you say something is beautiful, what does that mean? How do you decide something is beautiful? Does it have to be a finished product, finely tuned, everything in its place? Does is have to sound just right, no missed notes, does it fit? Or are you one of the few who sees beauty in potential? Can you look at someone or something and see the beauty to come?
I went to church last night. My girlfriend's dad preached. Now he is not a "pastor" or an evangelist, you wouldn't see him on t.v or hear him on the radio, but I liked it. The simplicity of the message and delivery was where I could understand it very well. He talked about Jesus, the carpenter. He talked about how a carpenter was a very respectable job. He told us how a lot of people depended on carpenters because so much of the things they need, he provided. But the coolest thing of all was how he described the way the carpenter looks at the wood he is working with.
A tree is beautiful when it is in full bloom, when you can see all of its leaves and their color. But what about when that tree has been cut down, had all of its limbs cut off and nothing is left but the bare trunk? What about when they are piled up on a trailer on their way to the mill? We wouldn't call that beautiful, but the carpenter would. He said that the carpenter could look at a crooked piece of wood, with all of its splits and knots and see straight through to the finished product. Just by looking and handling the wood, he already knew how beautiful it was going to be.
Then he told us how we are like that wood. How Jesus can and does see straight through the impurities to the potential beauty we possess. No matter how ugly our life may be, how much junk we clutter up, how much stuff we get addicted to, he sees our beauty that He intended us to show. All we have to do is ask the carpenter to do his work and let the beauty show.

the hoax

2008-07-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

I received an e-mail today about how Pepsi has made a patriotic can with the pledge of allegiance on it. That is all fine and good but is supposedly omitted the "under God" part of the pledge. Being the junior investigator that I am, I clicked on good 'ol Google and looked it up. Liked I had feared, it was a hoax.
Is that what its come to? God fearing, Christians have to depend on their "creativity" to get people on our side. What good are we doing by making something that is not true or even misunderstood out to be an attack on non-believers. I don't remember Jesus boycotting anyone because they didn't believe, as a matter of fact He loved them. The only people he really keyed in on were the religious leaders who were using the law as a whipping stick. Sounds kind of familiar to me, kind of like how we tend to make people feel when they don't live up to our standards.
I have been one of those people before. I have actually been on both sides. I have been the one who looked down on people because of their sin and I have been looked down on for mine. Now I am not throwing stones at anyone who has ever forwarded one of those e-mails. I have done my share. It wasn't until a good friend of mine in D.C. called me out on a hoax that I started checking in on the credibility of the e-mails.
Be careful of false testimony and the people giving them. Like the old saying goes, two wrongs don't make a right.

LIKE A BABY

2008-06-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

One of the things I have found that I like about having a blog is that I can right what I say better than I can say it. It allows me to be transparent to a degree.
I am a Christian, a spiritual being. But until recently I haven't held that to a very high regard. I have basically ran from God while trying to work for Him at the same time. Last night I attended the Church of God. That's right, the baptist boy went Pentecostal last night. That was the first time I had ever been a part of a service that didn't have a 3 point message, nor did it end "on time". This was an amazing experience for me. While some of the things the Church of God does I don't understand still, the movement of the holy spirit was definitely there. I realized how far I had allowed myself to get from God as well as the things in my life that, either good or bad, might not be bringing Him glory.
Anybody who know me know that I have struggled with quite a few things over the past few years. I don't want to go any further because I am tired of talking about it as I am sure people are tired of hearing it. But in those struggles I had lost the ability to love and I think maybe forgive. It just felt weird telling somebody I loved them. Even family with members, it was as if I didn't know if I believed what I was saying. The same thing went for telling people I am a Christian, I didn't know if I believed myself.
Forgiveness and salvation is in Jesus Christ. I can distinctly remember the day I got saved. I remember walking to the front of Northport Baptist Church at the last second of the service, crying like a baby at 24 years old, and barely being able to tell Ben Jameson I needed a savior. I held on to it and wrote it down so there would never be any doubt. That was almost 4 years ago. Until last night, I have not felt that rush of the Holy Spirit since then. But last night God told me to hold on. God told me he was still here. God told me to straighten up.
I am not "out of the woods" yet. I still get nervous for no reason, I did this morning. I have to learn how to trust and love the way I am supposed to again. It will come though......

I seen me a movie

2008-06-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

Just a quick comment. I watched Into the Wild the other night. Great movie, although being an outdoorsman I was kinda disapointed in him. He could have made it I think. I personally wouldn't try to survive the wild with a stack of fictional adventure books and plant refrence guides. Stay warm, stay fed, know when to swallow your pride and go home.

what do you do?

2008-06-12T08:09:00.000-07:00

I have never blogged before. I have only ever read a couple of other people's blogs. From what I can tell, its basically a journal entry for everybody to see. My sister writes. She is an amazing writer in my eyes and never knew until lately she could. So I decided after reading a couple of her's I would try my own.
I have been an employee of a certain family owned business (which happens to be my dad's) since I was 14 or 15 years old. I have never known anything else but what I do. But you would think that after 14 years at one job you would now a lot....not the case. I am sure there are people who make good salesmen and women. I am also sure that there are those choice few who have the gift of b.s. and could sell anything at any time. I, on the other hand, am handicap in both areas. it is also hard to stay focused on more than one thing at a time. For example, I was on a whole other paragraph when I realized I didn't finish this one. I am scatter brained, I can't focus real well. I loose things, even if they are tied to me. I forget a lot. Did I do this or did I do that; I DON'T REMEMBER.

I like to help people out. If they don't have something and I do, I like giving it to them. If they come in the store and can't afford something, I want to help them out here too. But there is no room for that here. I also get real bored real fast; not good for one of the most repetitive jobs in alabama. Nothing ever changes, Its the same thing with the same people, everyday. I get real stir crazy and sometimes wander around the store.
"Find something else to do," "get another job", "pray about it, what are you called to do". at one point in my life I had all these things planned out and ready for the real world. I was engaged, I had a good job that could only get better, things were where I thought they should be. I could not have been more wrong. Now I am 28, single, bored out of my mind, don't know what I am supposed to do with my life. The worst part is, my GOD life has suffered. I guess I kind of held him resposible for nothing working out the way I wanted it to.
So what do you do? I could quit and let my father down. I could stay and always "have it made" as everybody like to tell me. I have no clue. I feel like I am in that movie groundhog day, and I am Bill Murray.